becca_cant_read

I decided the other day to become vegan. I was sort of a vegitarian for the past couple of years but it was becuase I didnt like meat, not because i was against it. Then I watched some peta videos and now I refuse to be part of it. But my dad is freaking out and wont buy me vegan food.....I NEED NURISMENT! D:

I am dedicating this entry to all of the people I have lost in that never ending blackhole of a highschool.

My brother, Tim, told me the other day, that freshman year is getting to know new people. Sophmore year is for actually getting some school work done and having a buch of different groups of friends. I am going to be a junior in the fall, and Tim said that your junior year is finding that one tight knit group of friends, that you will stay with for the last 2 yeasr of highschool. That's the part that kind of scares me. I have never had a group of friends. I can't do that, I'm a floater, I get bored to easily.
Today I was Thinking of the friends I used to be so close to, and i thought I would never lose touch with. There has only been one person that I have been friends with through everything, and even we have recently been talking less and seeing eachother less. But the others, the ones i told EVERYTHING, who I no longer talk to, at all. One inparticular really stands out. In the 5th grade we were INSEPERABLE, attached at the hip. I litterally went over her house every single day after school. We were best friends, her neighbor was talking to us one day and said that she could tell that we would be friends forever, and never lose touch. I thought we probably would after a while, but I never thought that while would come so early.
She was really a great kid. We fought over boys sometimes. She was a tall blond bombshell and all the boys I liked, liked her. Its funny now looking back on it. Through the rest of middle school we were slowly growing farther and farther apart. I remember the last time we hung out afterschool. We had been still talking in school, but not a lot, her friends didnt like me. Her parents had kicked her out and her brother couldn't pick her up at the school. I told her she could come to my house, when my dad tryed to punish me for it I made a pretty convincing case. She was basicly homeless at the moment and it was snowing outside...
At our schools graduation our freshman year I had to play in the band, and she was there. Before the ceremoney we ran into eachother and talked for about an hour. It was strange. She was still the same person, but she was so diferent. It makes me think, have I changed that much over the years? Is there someone I used to be friends with that is thinking the same way about me? I'll never know unless they speakup, but even if they do, what good would it do?

Creep.

I can not wait to leave this sketch infested hell hole known as high school. How many times cheating on chikcs will it take before you relize you cant get away with it? I really wish this hole past school year never happened. I have like 3 close friends left, 2 of which i dont like, and the 3rd one doesnt like me.

Oh and not to mention the fact that the only person in my life that ever mattered; the one person I never wanted to lose again; the ONE person I've truely loved since her...wont even give me the time of day.

Only 2 more years...2

It really does not help that the majorety of my friends graduated and a are going to school way the fuckin far away. I just have to keep breathing and dealing. I don't want to end up like Haley Lamarre...

In the livin's easy
Bradly's on the microphone with Ross/MG

Love that song (:
Summer time is here, has been for a month. A month, already. And in only two more months, the graduates will be goin ff to colage. I dont know when i will ever see them again. One of my closest friends is going to Canada...I probably wont see him like, ever...ever. another one of my friends is going to rome...I DEFFINATLY wont see him again, atleast not for a few years. But right now im trying not to think about it so much. Right now i just want to have fun with my friends and live in the moment. Carpe Diem, ya know?

So wed. the 15. Harry Potter. Im not really that into harry potter. I've never read the books, and i havent even seen the 5th movie yet. But i guess I'm going to the midnight release of the 6th. I dont really care about the movie, but i wanna hang out with my friends, it should be cool. I have to clean my room and convince my parents first though. This procrastinating isn't helping either.

So far my summer has been quite dull. But soon that will change. Tomorrow I'm going to a huge pig roast graduation party for my brother and 4 of my cousins. (: Then on sunday I'll be leaveing for NY with my Youth Group. We're doing mission work with this group called Youth Service Opportunities Project (YSOP). We go to local soup kitens and homless shelters and help the homless. It's a great cause and lots of fun. Then after that is 4th of july weekend with the family....great. But then is when the real fun starts. You see earlier this winter some of my friends started planing on makeing this low budget zombie movie. The plans are really comming along great, and I am the make up artest. I cant wait to make zombies!!!

Woke up, thought i was gonna puke. Thank God I didn't. My biggest....fear sort of, is vomit. It is discusing and I cannot STAND throwing up.

Finished my last final yeasterday, Biology. It was probably the final i did the best on - even better then my art finals - which will bring my grade up tremendosly (i don't know why i try to spell big words like tremendosly).

There was really no point to this post other than that im bored and can't fall asleep....

  I seem to have these sperts where for about a month or so i write alot, about whats going on, but lately i havent been. Its not because nothing interesting has happened, because pleanty of interesting things have happened. I just havent been in the mood to write, which really is a shame. Its not good when i dont feel like writing, that usually means somethings wrong. Well, it means somethings wrong when i want to write, when i dont want to, that means I am lost, and confused, maybe even scared. But for some reason, I havent been feeling those things lately. I haven't been feeling anything. Its the worst feeling in the world, not feeling. I feel this way often, usually once every week or 2. But I have recently felt nothing, every day, for about 3 weeks now. When i used to feel this way I had an easy fix. A quick, simple, release. But I've been told thats a bad way to deal with my problems, that there are other ways to releve my "stress" or "anxiety" or "saddness." But what they never understood, was yes, I would do it during those times, but for the most part, I would for no reason at all. I know its cleche, but its sort of like the whole: "I'd rather feel pain then nothing at all" thing. Why don't I feel anything. I can't cry cuz I'm not sad. I cant yell cuz I'm not mad. I can't even smile cuz I'm not happy, I just am...
  What I am is pretty bored. I don't even want to turn on the television becuase I don't feel like falling back into that mindless coma that is the T.V. I tryed reading, get my mind off of the nothing. That didnt work. I have a problem with reading most of the time. I can't comprehend anything I read really. I could in this case, but I was just bored by the story line.
  I belive that some of the most beautiful, elegant, just down right prettiest things in the world are trees. I used to draw trees when i was little, hundreds and hundreds of trees. They were all the same too, skinny, with a billion limbs, but no leaves. Just bare, baby trees.
  Damnit. When ever I don't feel anything, I tend to think. I hate thinking, becuase it usually leads to remembering. I HATE remembering. I always remember about my best friend using me first, after he had hurt so bad seeing me get used by others, he went right around and did it himself. I guess that can only be expected though. Then she pops into my head. At first I'm sad, how could someone so amazing, and beautiful and strong just be taken away so easly? But then afater a minute, reflecting back on it, I know she's still here. It's hard, not to be able to see her, physically see and touch her. But to know that her love, and compassion, and talent is in all of us somehow, it releaves my sadness. I truely think, sometimes, when I'm sketching with my pencil, or makeing wet, messy marks of water color, that its really not me doing it at all. I think sometimes, She is holding my hand, moveing it in just the right way, so that it comes out exactly how SHE wanted it. I miss her, we all do.
  I need to get out of the house. I am so used to not going anywhere, not wanting to go anywhere, and just sitting here, waiting. The problem s, I donn't know what the hell I am waiting for. A phone call? A text? A knock on the door? A crash through the window? A bark in the den? I'm just stuck, with nothing to do but wait. Wait for what ever my come my way.

    I'm not even a junior yet and already, the drama over prom has started -_-
    It started with me finding a REALLLLLY cute prom dress that I had no use for, seeings how sophmores dont get a prom. So I was jokeing around with some of my junior friends that if they no any guys who don't have a date yet that I am avalible. Meanwhile, my friend (whos a junior) was dateing a freshman. The prom is three weeks from today, and about two weeks ago my friend and his gilrfriend broke up.....
    On the monday after they parted, he asked me to prom. I gladly accepted his offer. You see, the whole time he was dateing this girl I was kind of jelouse. However I had just started to like him when they started dateing, so i backed off and let my intrests grow else where.  was still, however, jelouse of his girlfriend. So before my friend and his girlfriend broke up, she decided to have a party including all of the people who were involved in our highschools resent production of footloosethe musical, which includes her ex- and me. She was on good terms with him, untill a few days ago. I do not know what happened, but I do know that she called him an asshole and un-invited him to her party.
    I felt very bad and was going to offer to bring my friend to papa gino's, because I didn't want him just sitting around the house, because I know he has become very depressed latly. But, my other friends talked me into going to the party instead. Me and the ex- girlfriend are still on good terms. I wounder though, should i have offered to do something with my friend? I didnt want him to think it would be a date, because I know he isn't ready for a new relationship, and I didn't want MORE rumors going around about the whole ordeal. Still, I feel like a bad friend.........

    So I am going to a prom with my good friend, and I think maybe, if I'm feeling some good vibes while we are there, I might try to see if a relationship could form from us. But for now, I will hold my peace, there are greater things at hand.

My heart is on my sleve
Wear it like a bruse or black eye,
My badge my weekness,

Means the i believed
Every single lie you said

My anthem...... I absolutly love that song. It lets me know, I'm not the only one...I'm not the only one hurting; I'm not the only one whos miserable; I'm not the only one who feels like she always gets taken advantage of, she always gets lead on and mistreated, she always gets used.
My bestfriends turn on me. My loved ones make fun of me. I dont fint in anywhere.

of course, im finnaly happy again. i had my best friend by my side and i had him on more then just friends leval. but he desides he likes me and all...just as a friend. now im trying to hold back my tears and stay his best friend and i have to pretend to be happy again. i am so sick of this. i just want a reson to smile.....for more then a few minutes. i understand that we are all gonna have our days were things just dont go our way, but when you have one of those days almost every day.....it gets a bit much...

  so today was rather interesting. i spent my spanish class holding back tears. in drawing i just ranted to my friend jess and anyone else who was evesdropping. i told my math class basicly my lifes storie in hopes of trying to find a way to get back at jeffery. history we did NOTHING but talk about animals all class and when my teacher noticed there was only 15 min.s left on a friday she continued to talk about animals. luinch i did my best to dodge the fondleing of this custy bitch who sits at my table. the rest of the day was pretty normal.
  then i "missed my buss" and went over seans house, since he lives right next to the school. unfortunatlly his mom was home.....she does not like me, at all. she actually scares me. you see me and sean have a history. we were BESTfriends for a while. i had a crush on him for about a year before we started dateing the first time. i eventually told him and we dated for about a month, then we broke up cuz he changed when we were dateing, became too cutesie. we stayed friends, but after about a week of not dateing i wanted him back, we kinda worked things out then broke up again cuz of the same reason. then we stoped talking, completely........i really thought i had lost him and i would never be friends with him again. thankfully a few months later we were bestfriends again. and lately we've gotten wiiiiikkid close again. so today i went to his house at about 2 o'clock. we hung out and played like guitar hero and whatnot till about 4. then we were just like laying on the floor chillin and talking about w.e when we ended up makeing a bet that he wouldnt go down my pants......he did.
  (when he started to we were both just kind of looking at eachother...it was intence. then i moved in to kiss him, and i went 90%......but he didnt go the other 10%.....i stayed there for a few seconds.....akwardly, but it wasn't akward. then i went the rest of the way. it seemed like almost instantly as soon as our lips touched, the phone rang.....it was my brother calling to say he was there to pick me up.........)
  i got home and waited a little while before i started to text him. we talked like normally, a good sign. then eventually the subject had to come up, are we going to date again, or not. after about an houre of going back and forth we decided that we are going to give it one more shot. and if it doesnt work out again, then we stay bestfriends NO MATTER WHAT. im happy again.

  he is great. im so happy, he is my bestfriend, but more then that too. he is always there for me, he's honest, and conforting and just......amazing. i am finnaly in a really good mood (:

sometimes i try my best to use proper english and gammer and whatnot when writing entries, but lately i've given up on that
im a part of this clun at school, its called DRimprove, its the improvinasational team. we meet once a week practicing improve skits, its like whos line is it anyways. for most of the time we do different exceresizes and things to help us to think things quickly and make them funnie, unexpected, and origanal. any ways, today is the first time we are having practice in about 3 weeks, because most of us are also part of the theater companey and our show was last weekend. We did footloose, it came out amazing. we have a very good reputation of being much better then a highschool theater company and many people said this was our best show yet, which is saying ALOT.
so anyways DRimprove......."living the DRim" as we like to say, is amazing. it is one of the few times in my life, along with singing and performing anything really, that i can let go of EVERYTHING, not think, and have a good time. when i go to DRimprove i TOTALLY forget about anything that has happened, anything that im worried about or upset over. i just act.....all i have to worry about is DOING SOMETHING.........anything. i could sun bath in florida, or be composing a masterpiece with betoven. i let go of all my inhabitions, i start big, and i just do something........
i have cantada rehersal right after. im totally bummed out that i cant sing though. i had drama, and no time for the church. (the cantada is something we do every year at easter and christmas at my church, we tell a story through songs and short passages) im just reading this year. im so mad i didnt get a solo in the christmas cantada, i gave it to my cuzing instead though, because people know i can sing, before that no one besides me knew she could. she has a beautiful voice too, and she is amazing at the piano. we have been basicly connected at the hip since we could talk, we live in seperate towns but they are right next to eachother and share the same - very small - highschool. its funny though, out of the two of us she is the bigger, stroger, more athletic one (not that she is BIG she's just average) and im the tiny petiet more artistic one, and shes a saprono, while im a contralto (female tenor). i can sing saprono as well, its actually much easier and it sounds much better, but i enjoy singing tenor, its a chalange and its fun. but i am quite jelose of her musical abilities. while i can play many istruments, i play them all medeocer. when she sits down at the piano with some sheet music she's seen befor, its amazing. the hardest song i can play is probably parts of boston by agustana, which is incredebly easy.....................
but we cant always get what we want right?

 so this is my third and least bitchy entry in the past 24 hours :D. my mood has becom increasingly better since i left school thisafternoon woohoo! not that im in a good mood. im just better. anyways, i really want to learn something new on the piano, but all of the free sheet music i dowload is either toooooo hard...or just wrong. so idk, maybe i'll right a new song.....but those suck too. grrr i wish i had some formal training.
 maybe i can right up some new lyrics about how much my life is sucking right now :D.......-_- any whooo, theres his kid, that im starting to like, but they'r one of my best friends, and they wouldnt go out with me, and even if they did we'd have to hid it and she wouldnt go for that.........fml hahaha fml.com......great website oh maybe i should post my story frome lastnight up on there :D
 tennis on saturday though! yay! im horrible at tennis. my racket has like 5 strings broken or just completely missing lol. i hope it doesnt rain that would suck. egh w/e

peace :D

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first of all I NEED A FUCKING BREAK FROM ALL OF THIS
i thought things were getting better
i still had feelings for jeff, but he has a girlfriend and he's happy, so i should move on too right? we'll last night he basicly cheated on his girlfriend with me, made me believe that he wanted me back and used me. we talked about how we still liked eachother and then we ended up sending some pics and shit and w/e. now my best friend is mad at me because guess how our conversation went:
Me: "He used me"
Her: "you guyst hooked up?"
"sort of"
"phone sex?"
"not quite, we sent pics and whatnot"
"damn kid you gotta chill" (basicly calling me a whore)
"i know"
"umm hun u need to chill" (calling me a whore for a second time)
"look i dont want to fucking talk about it and i dont need you judging me too okay"
"alright w/e im fuckin out"

fml.
i feel like a prisoner to him. he calls i come running like a little dogg. but y should i try for some one who wont try for me? why should i try for some one who is gonna use and hurt me? why should i be judged by one of my best friends?
thank god i have sean. i hounestly do ont know what i would do with out him. he is like my gardian angel that was sent to look out for me, i just wish i knew how to listen to him more. i feel like i take him too much for granted, i learned that when i almost lost him completely. but now he is back and i love him more then any one i know. he is my best friend ever i dont want that to chage in any ways what so ever.
now i dont know what to do about the jeff thing, his girlfriends probably gonna want to beat me up or something, idc about that. he needs to learn to keep it in his pants. we were supposed to hook up today cuz he "thought" him and his girlfriend were broken up. yeah not so much. i have a feeling he didnt tell her the whole storie either. damn i shouldnt have erased those texts......i wish i could shut out all of this crap. its just useless bullshit drama that i dont need in my life. i just want it all to go away, how come i cant solve it, this year has seriously been the worst with drama, i really just want to not be asotiated with him ne more so i can get all this behind me and go back to getting along with almost every one i talked to
fml.

Things are sooooooooooo messed up. Im finnally done with him. With all he's shit. He had no right to treat me like that. Now i cause a war between him and his best friend, I never ment to do that. Steve is amazing, I cant help that i have these feelins for him. You'r just gonna have to deal because he likes me too. You say that you love me? Oh please YOUR 15 YEARS OLD AND IM ONLY 16. No one at our ages should be "in love" lets just have fun. I have no doubt in my mind that you will have no trouble getting over me you inconsiderate, egotistical, cheating, basterd! I know Steve will treat me better, because hes actually a good guy

i wrote a new song
its called Fly Through the Seasons With Me

It was the summer
And you were pure
You told others
That I was your’s

Soon came the fall
We had it all

But we lost it
In the night time sky
Yeah we lost it
As the time flew by

Then came the winter
I felt the rain drops
Turn to snow flakes
As your face entered my mind and light
Was so damn bright

In my eyes
We had all our highs

But we lost it
In the night time sky
Yeah we lost it
As the time flew by

Now in the spring time
I’m discovering
Without a reason
There is no rhyme

Now I’ve found it
In his deep cool eyes
Yeah I’ve found it
But the time still flies

Sometimes I'm kinda happy that i hit such lows, because everything can only get better from there. From being so upset that i had a fever and almost threw up, there's not much that could bring me down any lower. Thankfully things are getting better quickly, although he still needs help. I don't know how i could get him to agree to it, and what if they tell his parents. I know he's still kind of mad that i broke a promise and told them, but i couldn't keep it to myself. It was a load I'm just not strong enough to bare by myself. So now we aren't really allowed to date, or we cant be alone together EVER. It really sucks, and everything is ruined. But I am so much more less stressed out about it. I feel like a huge tidal wave of relief has come over me and left nothing but him.

I might have been to late.
And he might be gone...

wow...What a week. I lost something, lost someone (two people really), cryed my heart out, spilled my heart out; got one of those people back, plus another long lost friend. Unfortunatly i will never get that thing i lost back. Spiritually i could, but not physiclly, or menatlly. I guess its not such a bad thing, at least i have him back. Maybe everything will work out, hopfully. Im glad i have a friend back, i missed her we had so much fun :). Too bad one of my new friendships had to end, maybe that will work out too...Things are getting better, and everything will be okay. I've said it a few times before...and been terribly wrong. But this time i know, its gonna work out, it just is.